There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
