Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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