I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
