Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
