Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
