so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
