You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
