New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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