I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
