Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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