Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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