so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
