I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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