I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
