I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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