I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
