Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
