and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
