Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Couch. On fire.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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