Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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