I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
