I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
