my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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