I wish I could teleport
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
