Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
