thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
