You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
