Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
