The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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