Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
