I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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