man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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