I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
