In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
