I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
