It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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