I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
