I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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