and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
