someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
