Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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