Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
