i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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