I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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