I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
