You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize