new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
