On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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