My girlfriend figured out who you are.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
this hospital has no fireball
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
