In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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