dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
