Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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