he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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