Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
