ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
