What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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