I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
