chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
