you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
