I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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