I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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