You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
