so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize