You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
