There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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