You really coming over, don't trick.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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