Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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