Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
