I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
