White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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