My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
