Porn is love you can see.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
