I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
